December 2008 Archives

A beaver that has been felling trees after escaping from a farm is being hunted by conservationists.

The beaver is one of three that broke out of the farm in Lifton, Devon, in October, owner Derek Gow said. The other two have since been re-captured.

The last six-stone (38kg) animal is believed to be felling trees up to 20 miles (32km) away on the banks of the River Tamar near Gunnislake, Cornwall.

Mr Gow said he was to use "honey traps" to find the missing animal.

Mr Gow keeps 24 of the animals under licence from government agency Natural England as part of a wildlife photography business.

He said the escaped animal was one of three that got out of Upcott Grange Farm.

It is suspected the electric fence around the beaver pen failed after flooding in the area, Mr Gow added.

The other two, both females, were soon recovered from a nearby lake, but not before they had felled a number of trees on the River Thrushel.

A priest dialled 999 when staff at Manchester Airport's WHSmith would not allow him to use the toilet, police have revealed.

It was one of many "frivolous" calls made to Greater Manchester Police (GMP), which dealt with 5,000 emergency reports over Christmas.

The force has urged the public not to dial 999 for "ridiculous" reasons.

One woman complained she was unable to get through to Strictly Come Dancing to vote for Tom Chambers in the final.

While a hoax caller reported Santa was breaking into a house with Rudolf.

Police also received a 999 call from a man who complained staff at a takeaway had wrongly put mushrooms on his pizza.

Another caller dialled the number to ask for chemist opening times.

People should ignore signs telling them that it is legal to urinate in certain public places in Nottingham, the city council said.

The signs, which were put up by pranksters in and around Nottingham, are designed to look official.

They feature a toilet sign and include the words: "Public Urination Permitted After 7.30pm".

The prank also featured a laminated note, headed with the logo of Nottingham City Council. The notice reads: "In an attempt to reduce late night public nuisance, during the holiday period, Nottingham City Council has designated several public urination areas across the city.

"This urination area will be cleaned daily between the hours of 5am and 6am."

A spokeswoman for the authority said: "We would urge people to ignore them, otherwise they could find themselves inadvertently facing a prosecution."

Full article at http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/nottinghamshire/7798194.stm

26 December 2008

Darling, just a quick thank you note for my lovely Christmas present. A partridge in a pear tree, how unusual! You are SO thoughtful. I love you to bits

27 December 2008

Darling, thank you thank you thank you! Two turtle doves, how very sweet of you! You are such a romantic! Lots of love!!

28 December 2008

Thank you for the three French hens, darling, I suppose I can use the eggs. Bye for now.

30 December 2008

Hello sweetheart, I'm sorry about not writing yesterday but to be honest I was a bit worried about all these presents you were buying and I'm still not sure what four colley birds are, but thanks ever so much for the five gold rings. Now please no more, because I don't want you to bankrupt yourself. Bye!

2 January 2009

Darling, will you please stop sending me these birds. I really don't have space in the flat for all of them. I know you mean well but it isn't really funny any more.

6 January 2009

Now look, are you some kind of friggin sicko? I've had the police round because of the neighbours complaining about the noise and they look at me like I'm completely mental when I tell them it's the nine drummers drumming and ten pipers piping my warped ex sent me every friggin day since Christmas.

The twelve lords have wrecked the garden by a-leaping all over the plants, in the short gaps between making out with the eleven ladies dancing in the bushes. The seven swans have a-swam all over the bathroom and pecked each other to death and the six geese have laid their eggs all over the friggin floor and the other friggin birds have trampled them into the carpet.

Does this give you some kind of kick you demented idiot? The partridge fell out of the pear tree and now I've got the sodding RSPCA on my case for cruelty to partridges. Did you even check where partridges live? Your things are on the lawn. I suggest you come and get them at night when the tranquilisers have kicked in. Then get off out of my life forever.

We spend weeks shopping for the most thoughtful gifts possible - just to bring that little ray of sunshine to people's lives on Christmas Day.

But others buy (or worse make) any old tat they can lay their hands on. The depths some will go to - either through ignorance or sheer callousness - to impart misery on December 25 is quite staggering.

Here's a few we've found on the web to make you cringe, but please feel free to chip-in with your own horror stories.

- A Margaret Thatcher figurine that doubles up as a pair of nutcrackers.

- "Ungame": Developed by a child pyschologist in the late 60s, this is quite possibly the most un-fun game ever invented. For more http://www.educationallearninggames.com/ungame.asp

- A man received from his mother his deceased father's toe nail clipper set.

- Women being bought lingerie by boyfriends/spouses that's too big (in the wrong places).

- Anything that's been knitted and meant for someone out of nappies.

- Underwear from your in-laws.

- Hotel toiletries.

Please add to this list...

A woman who spent £1 on a plant at a boot sale has sold the glass container for £32,000.

The owner thought it was junk and was about to throw it away but heard the Antiques Roadshow was coming to town.

The 1929 vase was valued at £25,000 on TV and is the most expensive piece of glass seen on the show.

The 5in-high piece by French designer Rene Lalique is unique as the mould had to be broken in the production process.

On this Sunday's show from Dumfries House, East Ayrshire, the unnamed Scottish owner tells the cameras: "We were clearing out the loft and it's been in there.

"We bought it for the plant because it looked nice in the bowl and we paid a pound."

Roadshow veteran Eric Knowles said: "I've been waiting over 25 years for such a piece to come in, and this was the stuff of dreams.

"They'd dumped it in the attic after the plant in it died and were about to throw it away. We had a lot of clouds in Dumfries but this was the cloud with a silver lining. It's worth at least £25,000."

Since the show the couple sold the antique for £32,450 at a London auction in November.

This is one that brightened up my day via email.....

The following are all replies that British women have put on forms in the section for listing father's details:

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim M*******. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B , but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex
with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good
that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me
his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the
Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is
Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that
to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by
you and
right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look
the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

Welcome to the And Finally blog - a round-up of the world's funny and bizarre news, as well as a place for sharing funny emails that brighten up our day.

We also publish our very own funny news stories, sport and features, unearthed by our reporters in Cheshire and North Wales.

Please feel free to submit your own funny news stories to And Finally - and if it makes us giggle/choke on our cornflakes, it'll get published.

A LIFETIME collection of 1,000 Scalextric toy cars is expected to fetch a racy £50,000 in an auction on Saturday.

Auctioneer Peter Wilson in Nantwich has more than 30 tables lined up with the model cars, some which date back to the toy's inception in 1957.

They are the collection of one man who got the Scalextric bug more than 50 years ago.
Instead of flogging them at car boot sales, his collection is now believed to be part of the biggest single auction of Scalextric ever held.

The toys include some rarities such as a Bugatti Type 59 estimated at £2,000-3,000 which is expected to draw enthusiastic bidders from around the world. There were only 40-50 original examples made and there are two in the sale.

The owner of the collection, who asked to remain anonymous, said: "I was fortunate in acquiring a huge collection from a specialist dealer in Surrey, which included many unusual and rare items from the Roger Gillham stable. This formed the bulk of my collection at that time."

The owner said: "I believe this personal collection, a hobby which has given me an immense amount of pleasure, will be a vital part of the Scalextric history."

The sale will be on view from tomorrow (Thursday) and Friday from 9am to 5pm and on Saturday from 9-11am. The fully illustrated catalogue can be seen and downloaded from www.peterwilson.co.uk.
Live bidding online can be completed at www.the-saleroom.com/peterwilson. For further information, call 01270 623878 or auctions@peterwilson.co.uk.