Realistic responses to the 12 Days of Christmas

26 December 2008

Darling, just a quick thank you note for my lovely Christmas present. A partridge in a pear tree, how unusual! You are SO thoughtful. I love you to bits

27 December 2008

Darling, thank you thank you thank you! Two turtle doves, how very sweet of you! You are such a romantic! Lots of love!!

28 December 2008

Thank you for the three French hens, darling, I suppose I can use the eggs. Bye for now.

30 December 2008

Hello sweetheart, I'm sorry about not writing yesterday but to be honest I was a bit worried about all these presents you were buying and I'm still not sure what four colley birds are, but thanks ever so much for the five gold rings. Now please no more, because I don't want you to bankrupt yourself. Bye!

2 January 2009

Darling, will you please stop sending me these birds. I really don't have space in the flat for all of them. I know you mean well but it isn't really funny any more.

6 January 2009

Now look, are you some kind of friggin sicko? I've had the police round because of the neighbours complaining about the noise and they look at me like I'm completely mental when I tell them it's the nine drummers drumming and ten pipers piping my warped ex sent me every friggin day since Christmas.

The twelve lords have wrecked the garden by a-leaping all over the plants, in the short gaps between making out with the eleven ladies dancing in the bushes. The seven swans have a-swam all over the bathroom and pecked each other to death and the six geese have laid their eggs all over the friggin floor and the other friggin birds have trampled them into the carpet.

Does this give you some kind of kick you demented idiot? The partridge fell out of the pear tree and now I've got the sodding RSPCA on my case for cruelty to partridges. Did you even check where partridges live? Your things are on the lawn. I suggest you come and get them at night when the tranquilisers have kicked in. Then get off out of my life forever.